#20 SIX life-changing lessons I never expected to gain from grief
How loss became the catalyst for my deepest transformation
I write a lot about the reality of grief — the dark, heavy, painful side — because losing someone you love isn’t just hard: it’s devastating. Yet, this side of grief is rarely discussed because it’s too confronting. I believe it needs to be brought into the light and normalised.
But I’ve also learned from experience that grief is more than just pain and sorrow. It’s complex and multifaceted, and, despite the hurt, it’s also been a source of unexpected lessons that have profoundly shaped the person I am today.
In this week’s newsletter, I’ll explore some of the most surprising insights and growth I’ve experienced through grief and how they’ve reshaped my outlook on life.
Let me be clear: I don’t believe in toxic positivity. There is NOTHING good about losing a loved one. If I could, I’d erase the last six years in a heartbeat.
But, here’s the thing: that’s not the reality I live in. My dad isn’t coming back, no matter how much I wish otherwise. And as much as I long to change the past, I can’t. So, I’ve learned to find silver linings in the things I can’t control.
I’d love to hear from you! When you’re done reading, click the COMMENT button below and share with us:
What unexpected lessons have you learned through your own experience with grief?
Hi, I’m Ruhie! A writer, doctor, mum, and a daughter who lost her dad to a terminal illness.
Welcome to “From the Heart to Beyond” — a space dedicated to real-world conversations and reflections on GRIEF, HEALING & FAMILY. Through a series of heartfelt letters to my late dad, Sanjay, I share:
Dear Dad,
Lately, I’ve been reflecting on something about grief that’s often overlooked.
The biggest surprise for me after losing you was discovering powerful lessons hidden beneath the immeasurable pain and sorrow of grief — ones that have completely transformed who I am and how I see the world. “Silver linings”, I guess some would call them, though that term doesn’t quite do them justice.
Looking for silver linings is not about ignoring the reality of grief or pretending everything is okay, because it’s clearly not. It’s about accepting what is beyond our control and focusing on what we can.
The lessons I’ve learned from grief have helped me grow as a person in ways I never expected. While they can never erase the pain of losing you, I carry them with me as I continue to move forward in life while holding you forever in my heart.
1️⃣ PERSPECTIVE
On what matters in life. And what really doesn’t.
When you lose someone you love, it’s incredible how quickly all the small stuff you used to care about so much suddenly feel profoundly inconsequential. You’ve seen the worst of the human experience, so life’s minor inconveniences and nuisances just don’t hold the same weight anymore.
Barista got your coffee order wrong? Sure, it's irritating, but it feels like a drop in the ocean when someone you love is gone.
Someone cut in front of you in a long cue? Annoying, definitely. Life-shattering? Absolutely not. Let it go.
Had an argument with a friend or your partner? Not ideal, but in the grand scheme of things, most arguments are fixable.
Can’t afford to buy a better car or a bigger house? Yes, the cost of living is tough, and who doesn’t want nice things? But once you’ve experienced loss, you come to realise there are far more important things in life than material possessions.
It’s not always as black and white as this, and it doesn’t mean we should ignore the frustrations of daily life, or let people treat us poorly. But when grief hits, you see everything through a different lens. It forces you to stop sweating the small stuff and reassess what truly matters in life. In a way, it’s liberating. You start focusing on what really fills your heart, rather than getting caught up in things that won’t matter in the long run.
2️⃣ APPRECIATION
For life, time and the people you love.
Losing someone we love forces us to confront a difficult truth most of us try desperately to avoid: nothing in life in guaranteed. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. While this realisation is terrifying, it can be inspiring too if we allow it. The awareness of life’s impermanence — thrust upon us entirely against our will by grief — ignites within us a deep and urgent desire to make the most of the time we are given.
For me, it’s meant no longer taking my loved ones for granted or the time I have with them. I make sure to hug them before leaving, because I don’t know if I did that with Dad and it’s one of my biggest regrets. I try really hard to never leave someone when we’re angry, because you don’t know when you’ll ever see them again or if you’ll get the chance to make amends. And I say the words “I love you” far more than I did before — because assuming people know how you feel isn’t enough. We need to tell them. As often as we can, before it’s too late.
It sounds morbid, I know! But this shift has enriched my relationships and made me a better person — a better mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend.
3️⃣ RESILIENCE
To keep going in the wake of grief and sorrow.
Navigating life without someone who was such a big part of your life is undoubtedly one of the hardest things you’ll ever face. The weight of their absence can feel unbearable, and yet, somehow, people find a way to keep going every single day.
Yes, life gives us no choice. Time keeps ticking and the world keeps turning. Nevertheless, grief requires an extraordinary amount of strength, courage and resilience. We don't always appreciate what we’re capable of until we’re pushed to the limit in times of need. Grief has a way of showing us just how strong we can be, even on the hardest days.
I’ve seen time and time again and deeply admire this resilience in other grievers. It can be hard to see this in ourselves, but I’m learning to appreciate my own inner strength too. It reminds me that we’re all a lot tougher than we give ourselves credit for. It’s not always obvious or linear — some days feel harder than others — but each small step we take is a testament to how much courage and fortitude is hidden in the human spirit.
4️⃣ COMPASSION
For yourself and others.
When you face life with the reality of grief heavy on your heart, it makes you wonder how many others are silently carrying a similar burden. Every day, countless people show up to work, engage with family and friends, fulfil social commitments and so on, all while hiding the hardship and adversity they may be experiencing behind closed doors.
The checkout worker at the grocery store.
A colleague you chat with in the break room.
Your child’s teacher.
The call centre worker who’s being completely unhelpful on the phone.
Your accountant or dentist.
Even a friend in your social circle.
You never truly know the silent struggles others are facing; and vice versa, they don’t know yours. The example that always comes to mind for me is how in the early stages of your illness, when the muscle weakness was confined to your right hand and there were no other visible signs, no one would have known you were living with a terminal diagnosis — one that would claim your life in three years. I couldn’t stand it when people treated you rudely or with disrespect, knowing the harrowing reality you were facing. I’d often wonder why you didn’t tell them you had a disability or that you were literally dying. You’d just shrug it off and say “they don’t know, and it doesn’t change anything.”
It makes me think, how many of us walk through life with blinders on, completely unaware of the personal battles others are fighting and the traumas buried deep within? We are so preoccupied with our own problems that we don’t stop to think others are dealing with their own private struggles too. It’s a humbling reminder that we never really know what someone else is going through, even if they appear fine on the surface.
This realisation underscores the importance of treating others with kindness, compassion and grace — the same way we would want to be treated. Everyone is carrying something. It’s important not to lose sight of other people’s humanity, and to offer compassion and understanding when we can.
5️⃣ SENSE OF PURPOSE
Through sharing my story and hoping to help others.
For me, one of the most biggest shifts that came out of grief has been discovering a renewed sense of purpose. Despite facing sickness, death and human suffering on a daily basis in my work as a doctor, when you died I felt confused and isolated. I had no idea what grief was meant to look like because no one talked about it. It was startling to realise how little awareness there is about grief despite how deeply it impacts us.
As I navigated my own journey, I found healing through sharing my story — not only as a way to process my emotions, but also in the hopes that it could offer comfort, understanding and guidance to others who were walking a similar path. My purpose became about normalising grief, helping others feel seen and understood, and reminding them that they’re not alone in their pain. In opening up about my experience, I realised how powerful it can be to connect with others, and this act of sharing gave me a sense of fulfilment beyond my own suffering. It became a way to transform my pain into something positive, offering a sense of direction and meaning amidst the heartache.
6️⃣ COMMUNITY
With people who understand what you’re going through.
Grief can be terribly isolating, and for a long time, it can feel like no one truly understands what you’re going through.
It was when I started opening up about my experience with grief that I found support and solidarity with others who get it; because, like me, they know at the core of their being what it’s like to lose someone you love. Whether they are people I know personally or strangers I met online — people from all different walks of life — I share a deep, unspoken, instantaneous connection with them because they have faced a similar kind of pain.
They don’t just sympathise with or pity you.
They understand on a cellular level the true depth and complexities of grief in a way that only those who have experienced it can.
Finding this sense of community with other grievers has been a lifeline, helping me feel less alone in a journey that often feels overwhelmingly solitary. It’s through sharing our stories, our struggles and our triumphs that I’ve come to realise how vital and powerful human connection can be in healing.
Embracing these lessons I’ve learned from grief is not always easy, and it certainly doesn’t diminish the sorrow or longing to have you back. But I can’t deny how much grief has transformed me. It’s a delicate balance — allowing space for the pain and sorrow of grief while staying open to the hope, growth and meaning that have emerged from it. I’ve found that remembering what I’ve learned softens the edges of grief and helps me feel like your life, and your loss, wasn’t in vain.
This mindset is something I learned from YOU. Even in the most difficult times, you found ways to embrace life’s complexities without pretending the hard stuff didn’t exist. You showed me that, while we can’t escape adversity and hardship in life, we can choose how we respond to it — and that’s something I hope to carry with me for the rest of my life.
Miss you every day, Dad. Love you always. Until next time 💌
Ruhie
I’d love to hear from you! When you’re done reading, click the COMMENT button below and share with us:
What unexpected lessons have you learned through your own experience with grief?
Yes to all of this, Ruhie. I find the first especially true. Small things bother me a lot less. The worst has already happened, after all. Material things also lessen in importance.
To answer your question - What unexpected lessons have you learned through your own experience with grief?
Grief never goes away. The wave of grief comes in - sometimes harshly and sometimes slowly - and then it goes out, like the wave of the ocean. The going out gives us a reprieve long enough to get us ready for the next wave heading to the shore.