#10 SIX songs that hit differently after losing a loved one

Exploring the powerful link between music, emotions & memories in the context of grief

Nov 08, 2024

flatlay photography of wireless headphones — Photo by C D-X on Unsplash

Have you ever heard a certain song and felt like you’ve been transported right back to a specific time and place in your life? It’s a powerful experience, right? This widely-studied phenomenon is known as “music-evoked autobiographical memory” and it’s very common. It’s truly remarkable the way a piece of music can trigger such strong memories of people, places, events and feelings from our past.

In today’s newsletter, I explore the powerful link between music, emotions & memories in the context of grief. While there’s a lot of really incredible songs specifically about losing a loved one, I’m not talking about that in this piece. Here, I share six songs that I’ve heard countless times before, and maybe you have too — well-known songs that aren’t about death, but that for me when I hear them now, I can’t help but think about my Dad. Each one of them evokes a unique part of my grief and healing journey, and because of that, holds a special place in my heart.

The Best Day (Taylor Swift)

Photograph (Ed Sheeran)

How to Save a Life (The Fray)

Channa Mereya (Pritam & Arijit Singh)

You Are Not Alone (Michael Jackson)

The Reason (Hoobastank)

While you’re reading, I wonder if you’ll think about songs that hold a special meaning for you too.

I’d love to hear from you! Hit the comment button below and share with us:

What’s one song that reminds you of a loved one you’ve lost?

Dear Dad,

Music takes on a whole new meaning after you lose someone you love. Songs you once listened to without a second thought to the lyrics, all of a sudden hit differently.

It’s a strange experience. On the one hand, it can be quite confronting and triggering. Music has the capacity to move us in the most profound way, bringing up emotions and memories buried in our subconscious. On the other hand, it can feel so personal and touching. As if these lyrics are a puzzle made especially for you to decode and uncover a deeper hidden meaning.

You know how much I love listening to music and singing along totally out of tune with my favourite tunes. Lately I’ve been hearing and thinking a lot about these six songs that, since losing you, have unexpectedly brought up different parts of my grief and healing journey.

1. The Best Day (Taylor Swift)

This song is a beautiful tribute to Tay Tay’s parents. While most of the verses are about her mother, for me as soon as I heard it I thought of you.

She shares heartfelt stories from when she was three, five and thirteen that capture the nature and closeness of her relationship with her parents – similar to my recent piece 10 moments where I shared my favourite memories of you over the years. Like her, I recall infectious laughter, playing chase, stories of fairytales and princesses, the way you comforted and distracted me after I was bullied at school, and how as I grew up our relationship grew too.

These lines in the song hit me hard:

I feel this to my core. You weren’t perfect, Dad — no one is. But there were many things you did right, and one of them was teaching us and showing by example how to be tough and resilient in life.

“I love you for giving me your eyes”

Pretty much my whole life, people have remarked that I have your eyes. It’s human nature to comment on which parent a child resembles, so I never thought much of these kinds of comparisons before you died. But now, this is one of the most meaningful observations someone can make about me. (though you could have spared me the appalling eyesight that goes with those eyes…)

2. Photograph (Ed Sheeran)

While this song is about a long-distance relationship, for me it speaks to the value of tangible objects like photos and mementos to preserve our love and treasured memories of those close to us.

When we lose someone we love, photos and videos are the only way we can still see and hear them. They have the power to transport us back to a time when our hearts were still whole because they were still with us. They allow us to relive those precious times, even just for a moment.

I often find myself looking at photos and videos of you. Sometimes they make me cry. Often they make me smile or laugh. And pretty much every time, a part of me can’t help but think how heartbreaking it is that there will never be more photos or videos of you. This is it. This is all I have now to look back on.

3. How to Save a Life (The Fray)

This is a powerful song about trying in vain to save a friend from addiction and mental health struggles. I relate to feelings of loss, regret and despair over our powerlessness to control life, especially someone else’s life.

To me, the lyrics of the chorus speak to the guilt we often feel after losing a loved one. We may look back and think we didn’t do enough or say more while they were alive. I held so much guilt when you died. Guilt over going out that night, and not being home when you started feeling unwell. Guilt that I’d somehow missed the signs that the end was imminent. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d failed you as both a daughter and a doctor.

My logical mind knows this is irrational. You died on an ordinary day, and you’d been fine the whole day. There were no signs. You had a terminal illness. Despite the best medical and healthcare team, nothing could have prevented your death. I know this deep down. Still, it took me a long time to let go of my guilt.

4. Channa Mereya (Pritam & Arijit Singh)

This famous Bollywood song is about the heartbreak of unrequited love. I found myself drawn to it after you died because the lyrics speak to the pain and longing of losing someone you love.

As you know, my Hindi isn’t great so I had to rely on Google for the word-for-word translation. Although the exact translation is clumsy and the lyrics lose a lot of the poetic cadence that give them a deeper meaning in Hindi, it was good enough for me to understand the gist of the song and why it felt so significant for me after you died.

Hearing this as someone who’s lost a loved one, I imagine them asking to be remembered when they are no longer here. Not that you ever asked us to remember you. Quite the opposite, in fact! You always told us to “move on” and “get on with life” after you’re gone. But there is no moving on from grief. It stays with us forever. And, as in the lyrics, we remember you every time we speak your name, share your stories, tell your jokes, and recall all the good you brought into the lives you touched.

5. You Are Not Alone (Michael Jackson)

One of Michael Jackson’s quieter songs, I was surprised to learn it still topped charts and was in fact his final number-one single in the US. Originally a love ballad dedicated to his then-wife Lisa Marie Presley, when I listened closely to the lyrics, it rang surprisingly true for the experience of grief.

Literal goosebumps. This describes exactly what it feels like to lose someone you love. In the early days and weeks after you died, I’d wake up every day with this knot in my stomach and a sinking feeling that I was facing another day without you. The second half reflects the tendency we all have to ask “why” after a significant loss – why did they have to die, why now, why like this, why did this happen to them, why is this happening to me and my family, why is life so unfair? No one knows the answers, yet we can’t help but wonder.

While the verse captures the sadness of grief, the chorus to me feels more uplifting:

To me, this feels like someone who’s passed away letting their loved ones know they will always be there for them. While nothing can take away the pain of grief or the crushing permanence of losing someone close to us, I do like to think that our relationship with them carries on after they are gone. You are a part of me that can never be erased. While it’s not the same as having you here, there is something deeply comforting about imagining a loved one who’s passed, watching out for you from wherever they are, protecting you and the people you care about, and guiding us through life.

6. The Reason (Hoobastank)

This is one of my favourite songs of all time. (I say this about a lot of songs, I know!) In it, the singer owns up to his shortcomings in a relationship. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard this song on repeat and never once made the connection to grief; until recently, when I found myself fighting back tears over the ending.

Losing you is the reason for so much in my life now.

It’s the reason my priorities and perspective on life changed so drastically. My focus is now less on what people think of me or what society expects of me, and more on making the most of my time on this earth, doing what lights me up, and living with intention – because I learnt the hard way that time is the one thing you can’t get back.

It’s the reason why I cherish my relationships so dearly, because I know how easy it is to take the people we love for granted.

It’s the reason I never go to bed angry, hang up on someone I care about, or let them go without resolving an argument; why I always say “I love you” before leaving those I love – because, as morbid as it sounds, you never know when will be the last time you see them.

It’s the reason I started writing and sharing our story, which was incredibly daunting because it exposes a side of me that most people in my life have never seen! But I’m doing it because it’s important to me; so that others feel seen and less alone in their experience of grief and loss, and to inspire anyone who reads this to also live fully and make the most of the time we are given.

Miss you every day, Dad. Love you always. Until next time 💌

Ruhie

I’d love to hear from you! When you’re done reading, click the comment button below and share with us:

What’s one song that reminds you of a loved one you’ve lost?

Grieve Fully, Live Fully

Discussion about this post