#14 Answers to FIVE burning questions you might be too afraid to ask a griever

(Number 4 and 5 are my favourites)

Jan 03, 2025

A number of different shapes and sizes of items — Photo by Buddha Elemental 3D on Unsplash

In today’s newsletter, I tackle some of the most common questions about grief and healing that people might ask of someone who has lost a loved one. In my own experience, there are times I’ve been asked these questions directly — usually by someone close enough (or brave enough) to voice them. Sometimes, it’s been implied in the conversation. And sometimes, I wonder if people are thinking it in the back of their minds but don’t want to ask aloud, and maybe that’s me projecting my own feelings. Either way, reflecting on these questions about one of life’s most universal and difficult subjects is so illuminating and I believe worth doing for anyone, whether you have experienced grief or not.

I’d love to hear from you! When you’re done reading, click on the comment button below and share with us:

If you’re a griever, what’s one question people often ask about your experience of grief and healing?
If you know someone who’s lost a loved one, what’s one question you’ve always wanted to ask them?

Dear Dad,

Sharing your story has been one of the most profoundly fulfilling and liberating decisions of my life. Seeing and hearing about how it’s touched the hearts and minds of others — people who knew you and those who never did — has been incredibly moving.

But I know people have questions. They’ve either asked me directly, or implied it in conversation, or sometimes maybe it’s just me thinking they’re thinking it but they don’t feel comfortable to ask.

Here’s how I’d answer these 5 unvoiced burning questions about grief, loss and life after loss:

1️⃣ Your Dad died years ago. Aren’t you over it by now?

No, I’m not over it. And I never will be. Because someone I love is gone. They are gone and they are never coming back. That isn’t something you just “get over”. No matter how much time passes, our love for them remains. Our pain over losing them remains. Grief does not have an endpoint. There is no '“other side” we have to get to. It stays with us forever.

2️⃣ Your Dad died years ago. Why are you still talking about grief when so much time has passed?

In my experience, there’s four main reasons (two personal and two general) why those of us who have known grief choose to talk about our experience and share our stories:

To preserve the memory of someone we loved and lost

One of the hardest things about losing a loved one is being so worried that they’ll be forgotten. They mattered to us, and they still do, but sometimes it can feel like the world wants us to move on and act like they didn’t exist. Talking about them is our way of honouring their legacy and keeping them present in our lives.

As part of our healing journey

There is something deeply therapeutic about sharing our story. The physical act of writing or talking about our experience helps us process our loss and come to terms with what we’ve gone through. It also enables us to find community and support with others who have experienced it too, which is another important part of the healing process.

To raise awareness about and normalise grief

Grief is universal, and yet, it’s not talked about nearly enough. This is something I struggled with after you died. The lack of open conversation about what ‘normal’ grief looks and feels like meant I just had no idea what to expect — and that’s despite the fact that sickness, health and death are a part of my job as a doctor. Professionally, I knew what to expect. But when it affected me personally, it hit differently and I found myself questioning so much about grief, life after loss and healing. Grief is incredibly isolating. Those of us who have experienced grief want to share our stories in the hopes that it may help someone else who’s going through it to feel seen and less alone in their experience.

To share what we’ve learnt about life from grief

Losing someone you love shifts your entire perspective on life. By shining a light on the impermanence of life, it brings into focus what truly matters and helps you de-prioritise what no longer serves you. I realised how easy it is to fall into the trap of taking time and the people we love for granted. Instead of worrying about society’s expectations and people’s opinions, grief can teach us to live true to our own values and make the most of the time we are given, especially with our loved ones. Storytelling is a powerful way of connecting with others and sharing the valuable lessons we’ve gained from our hardship, so that others can learn something meaningful from our experience.

gray and brown stones on gray ground — Photo by Ana Municio on Unsplash

3️⃣ Your Dad died years ago. Why are you talking about it NOW?

So, you get why I’m talking about grief. But why now, years after the loss?

The honest truth is that I couldn’t before. Those first weeks, months and even the first few years after you died, I was in shock. I was in denial. I was in the throes of processing my grief, the enormity of the preceding three years leading up to your death, and the magnitude of our loss. I was in no position to talk about my experience of grief because it was still so raw, intense and overwhelming.

It’s only now, a few years down the track, that I am able to see my experience with a bit more perspective. It’s taken up until now to be at a point in my healing journey where I have the emotional bandwidth to talk about it.

There is so much value in contemporaneously sharing the early stages of grief. It allows you to capture the intensity and acuity of raw grief as it’s happening. But I wasn’t in a place where I could do that back then, in the wake of your death.

I’ve reached that place now. This is when I feel ready to talk about, write about and share my experience of grief.

4️⃣ Your Dad died years ago. Doesn’t talking about it make you more sad?

No, talking about grief and my dad who died doesn’t make me more sad and here’s why.

When you lose someone you love, they are never far from your mind. We notice and feel their absence daily. No matter how long it’s been since they passed, their memory and our sadness over losing them stays with us. So talking about it doesn’t make us sad, or “more” sad.

What makes us sad is feeling like we can’t talk about them. What makes us sad is when people avoid saying their name or change the subject to something lighter when they come up in conversation. What makes us sad is acting like they never existed.

In fact, talking about someone we’ve lost can help us feel closer to them. It reminds us that they mattered, and they still do.

5️⃣ Your Dad died years ago. I thought you were doing better?

I am doing better. Talking about grief and loss doesn’t mean we’re not doing better. It doesn’t mean we’re weak or “not strong”. It doesn’t mean we’re stuck in the past and need to “move on”. It also doesn’t mean I’m not happy, because I am. There is so much love and light and joy and life to live after loss.

For a time, it felt like grief was my whole life. It’s not anymore. But it is still a part of my life, and it always will be. Grief doesn’t go away. It stays with us — and it is full of ups and downs. It comes and goes in waves. We might be okay for a while, then suddenly out of nowhere, we are reminded of them, of our loss, of what’s missing in our lives, and the intensity of grief ramps up again.

It doesn’t mean we’ve failed. It doesn’t mean we’re doing grief wrong. It just means that grief is a wound that is never fully healed. Most of the time, we are okay. We are doing well. Grievers are some of the strongest people I know. But the scar still prickles from time to time. It is a testament to the strength of our love for the person we lost.

Miss you every day, Dad. Love you always. Until next time 💌

Ruhie

I’d love to hear from you! Click on the comment button below and share with us:

If you’re a griever, what’s one question people often ask about your experience of grief and healing?
If you know someone who’s lost a loved one, what’s one question you’ve always wanted to ask them?

Grieve Fully, Live Fully

Discussion about this post