#38 A Griever's Guide to Grief Support - PART 2

How to offer meaningful grief support — with words, action and heart

Welcome to Grieve Fully, Live Fully! A space for honest, heartfelt reflections on grief, growth, and the messy, beautiful middle of being human.

Whether you’re navigating loss, facing life’s uncertainties and challenges, or simply seeking a little hope, you’re not alone.

I’m Ruhie — writer, doctor, mum & grief advocate. I don’t have it all figured out, and you don’t need to either. Let’s walk this path together with honesty, intention, and compassion. I’m truly grateful to have you here.

Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash

Welcome back to our series on grief support. If you caught Part 1, we explored what grief support really means and where it can come from — both from within ourselves and through the people around us. Today, we’re diving into the heart of it: how to offer meaningful support to someone who is grieving.

This topic matters deeply to me — not just in theory, but in practice. As a doctor, I’ve spent years supporting people in some of their most vulnerable moments — bearing witness to loss, sitting with pain, offering comfort where I can. But in my personal life, I’ve realised how challenging it can be. Death is uncomfortable, and grief is incredibly personal and complex. It can be really hard to know what to say or do.

And yet, how we show up matters more than we might realise. After my dad died, I finally understood — in a way I never had before — how much it means to feel truly supported in your grief.

So let’s talk about some practical, heartfelt ways to be there for someone who’s navigating loss.

1️⃣ Think before you talk

The very first step in offering meaningful grief support is to pause and reflect before you speak or act. Imagine yourself in their shoes — recently shattered by loss, heart heavy and raw. What would you want from the people around you? What kind of presence would comfort you?

This might sound simple, but it’s incredibly powerful. Taking this moment to reflect will guide your words and actions to come from a sincere and compassionate place. It helps ensure your support feels genuine, not forced or awkward.

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2️⃣ How you speak matters more than what you say

We often underestimate how much of communication is non-verbal. Research suggests that over ninety percent of what we communicate is through tone, body language, and presence — not the exact words we use.

It’s not about having the perfect thing to say. It’s about how you say it — with warmth, honesty, and care, so the other person feels genuinely seen and heard.

For example, my aunt often said it was “God’s plan” after my dad died. These words didn’t always sit well with me (we’ll touch on this in a future post). Firstly, not everyone shares the same beliefs. And secondly, even if it is true, why did God’s plan have to cause my dad so much suffering and take him away from those who loved and needed him? The words themselves were hard to swallow. But the way she said it — with tenderness, love, and sincerity — how she held my hands and looked deep into my eyes with tears when she spoke, softened me. I could tell she was trying to be there for me in her own way, and I appreciated that.

Grievers are deeply attuned to authenticity. So be real. Be kind. Your care and sincerity will shine through.

3️⃣ Ask questions that invite sharing without pressure

One of the greatest gifts you can offer another human being is to show them that you genuinely want to understand their experience. Asking thoughtful, open-ended questions conveys that you care deeply and that you’re willing to enter the hard conversations.

Instead of generic questions like “How are you?” or “Are you okay?” — which can feel impossible to answer when you’re overwhelmed by grief — try something more specific and personal.

The questions I appreciated most allowed me to talk openly about my dad and what I was going through. Ones that sparked a memory or opened up the conversation, like:

• “What was your dad like as a person?”

• “What’s your favourite memory with him?”

• “What do you miss the most about him?”

These kinds of questions give the griever space to share stories and feelings in a way that feels safe, manageable, and inviting. They show that you’re not just offering support out of obligation, but because you truly care — about who they’ve lost, what this loss means to them, and how they’re coping.

4️⃣ Practice active listening

Listening well is one of the hardest yet most precious skills when supporting anyone going through a hard time, including grief. Often, our minds jump ahead, searching for the right thing to say or a way to fix the pain, even while the other person is still speaking. It’s a human instinct. But when someone is opening up about their loss, this can leave them feeling unheard or dismissed.

Try to slow down and be fully present with their words, emotions, and even silences. Reflect back what you hear, without minimising their pain or shifting the focus onto yourself. Resist the urge to offer quick answers, comparisons, or cliches. Sometimes, simply holding space for their grief — without needing to change it or make it better — can be one of the kindest, most healing things you can offer.

5️⃣ Talk about their person

One of the biggest fears grievers carry is that our loved one will be forgotten. Sharing stories can mean so much. Whether they’re new or familiar, each story affirms that our person mattered, and that they are still remembered. If you knew the person who died, don’t underestimate the comfort your memories might bring. Even now, I love hearing stories about my dad. It doesn’t matter if I’ve heard them countless times before. They help me feel more connected to him.

Bringing up their person in conversation can be incredibly powerful too. My mother-in-law will sometimes pause and say with a warm smile how our eldest’s eyes are “exactly like Sanjay’s!” My husband often observes our middle child’s mischievous, cheeky smile is pure Dad — a small, familiar spark that instantly reminds us of him. These everyday reminders keep his memory present in our lives.

So if someone you love is grieving, don’t be afraid to talk about their person. Speak their name. Share their stories. Let their memory live. It’s one of the most enduring ways to show that you care.

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6️⃣ Offer practical help

Not everyone finds emotional support easy to give, and that’s okay. Practical help can be just as important. When someone’s world has been upended by loss, everyday tasks like cooking, cleaning, or running errands can feel incredible overwhelming — but they still need to be done.

If you can, offer specific help without waiting to be asked. Be clear and proactive:

• “I’m bringing dinner on Wednesday”

• “I can watch the kids this weekend”

This takes the burden off them to reach out — something many won’t do, even if they desperately need help. They might not know what they need in the first place. Or they don’t want to impose, worried they might be a burden on others.

In those early weeks after my dad died, close family and friends really came to our aid. They helped with funeral planning, meal preparation, and even sorting through his belongings. Their practical presence spoke volumes — and made an unbearable time just a little more bearable.

7️⃣ Be patient — grief is not a linear process

One of the most important, but often misunderstood, truths about grief is that it changes people — sometimes profoundly. There’s no “getting over it”, or “going back” to who they were before the loss.

Their emotions may shift day to day, week to week, even moment to moment. They may withdraw, respond differently, or seem unlike themselves. There’s nothing wrong with them. This is the nature of grief. It’s messy, unpredictable, and deeply personal.

Meeting them with patience and kindness — not just in the immediate aftermath but over weeks, months, even years that follow — helps them feel safe to grieve authentically, without pressure to perform or heal on anyone else’s timeline.

8️⃣ Show up — presence is the greatest gift

If I had to name one golden rule for grief support, it would be this: show up. Be there consistently. Reach out regularly.

Grief is not a one-off event; it’s a long, winding road. Don’t disappear once the initial condolences are over. Regular check-ins, invitations, and small gestures of care remind the person that they are still seen and remembered. Your presence — your willingness to sit beside them in their time of need — can ease the crushing loneliness that so often comes with loss.

When Dad died, our home was filled with family and friends every night for two weeks. I don’t remember the details of what was said or what exactly we did. But I remember feeling a deep sense of gratitude that we didn’t have to face that pain alone. After the initial mourning period was over, those closest to us continued to check in. Even now, a few special people reach out every anniversary and birthday with the most thoughtful messages of love and support. They remind us that Dad is not forgotten, and neither is our grief.

Of course, not everyone can show up the same way — and that’s okay. The key is to show up consistently in whatever capacity you can, and with genuine care. Every heartfelt effort makes a meaningful difference.

Supporting someone through grief is one of the hardest things we can do as human beings. But it’s also one of the most profound ways we connect, love, and heal — together.

When someone is grieving, they’re carrying a weight they never asked for. We can’t fix it or take away their pain. There’s no perfect script, and no need for grand gestures. What matters is presence, compassion, and intention — showing up with care, even when we feel unsure. If you can keep that in mind, your support can be a lifeline in the storm.

Next time, we’ll explore the common missteps people make when trying to support someone grieving — and how to avoid those pitfalls with kindness and awareness.

I’d love to hear from you!

What’s one way someone’s support helped you in your grief journey?

Or, if you’re currently supporting someone, what’s felt most meaningful or challenging?

Please share your thoughts by clicking the comment button above — your experience could be the light someone else needs.

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