Very true, even in times of struggles unrelated to grief. The support of someone making the decision of how to help, daring to talk to you about how you feel, is the most helpful. It reminded me of friends bringing food or helping do a load of laundry just after having a new born, or people knowing you're supporting elderly parents and asking how it's going because you always seem to have it all together, when, in fact, it's still hard, even if you do what you can. ❤️ 🙏🏻For sharing about grief
I so appreciate this perspective, Virginie, and you're absolutely right! When someone we care about is going through something big — whether it's grief or any major life event — being there for them is the most meaningful thing we can do. It's about showing up, even if it's hard or we feel unsure. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts 🫶🏽
Ruhie, It is so hard to know what to say to someone else, even though I am stilling grieving the death of my daughter. We are all so uniquely different in our paths through grief.
Yes Nancy, this is so true!! It's hard to know what to say because everyone is different and every experience of grief is unique — there is no one-size-fits-all 'right' thing to say. I'll touch on this more in the next post, but in my opinion and experience, what matters more than exactly what we say is that we make the effort to show up consistently. You can tell when someone is reaching out from a place of genuine care and compassion, and it means the world when you're hurting 💛
Such good advice, Ruhie. Most people don't know how to respond to grief, but all of these are helpful, especially the one about assuming the griever has moved on. Also expecting them to know what they need. There was no way to verbalise any of that during at least the first year for me.
Thanks so much, Tiffany! I always appreciate hearing your perspective and experience ❤️ The two you mentioned are the ones that I think surprised me the most in the early days, weeks and months of grief — the fact that so many of us assume grief is something you 'get over' at some point, or that telling someone who's grieving to reach out if they need anything means surely they will. It's only when I experienced loss firsthand that I realised how naive and misguided these assumptions are... and how desperately the narrative around grief and grief support needs to shift!
Yes, I think people who haven't experienced it probably expect to be similar to a breakup, where at some point you'll "get over" the person. It's interesting.
So true! And it's no one's fault, really — it's what we're all led to believe in a grief-illiterate society. You only discover how inaccurate it is when you're in the thick of it...
A great post…and I agree with every one of the points you’ve made. It’s important to show people what does help us, rather than focus on what lands so badly. People are terrified of death…and terrified of getting it wrong. So there’s a lot of fear, isn’t there!
I wrote about the acute nature of this when others witness us grieving our child’s death. My post is called ‘Closing the Gap’ Lots of cross-overs with your own!
Thank you so much, Esther 🙏🏼 You're so right that there's a lot of fear, and it mostly comes from a well-meaning place. But the more we can normalise grief and conversations around what actually helps, the more confident and comfortable people can feel when it comes to grief support. I'm truly sorry to hear about your son's death and appreciate your work in this space. I can't wait to read your piece, thank you for sharing it here!
When my brother died, my family gathered in Montana for almost a week. People came and sat with us, talked with us, and told stories. What was truly amazing was that two friends showed up and ensured there were meals for all of us. (from Wednesday through the end of the week and the following Monday. They kept a coffee pot going.
They arrived at mid-morning (breakfast had been prepared the night before), stayed through lunch, left mid-afternoon, but not before setting out some food to snack on, and returned before supper, which they prepared and set out for breakfast before leaving to start all over again. Meanwhile, they also took care of the food that was sent/brought by so many. My SIL called them the Kitchen Maidens. I am not Jewish and probably don't know what sitting Shiva really is like, but I wonder if this wasn't the closest I will come to it. We never washed one dish.
Carol, thank you so much for sharing this beautiful, life-affirming experience when you were in the depths of grief. The friends and family who pull through like this are truly something special! We had a very similar experience when Dad died and I will never forget how loved, nurtured, and genuinely cared for we felt in those early days and weeks. I can tell you feel the same way about your village who was there for you in these small but incredibly meaningful and helpful ways — sitting with you, talking, sharing stories, cooking, cleaning, meal prep, dishes, the works. Grief support doesn't have to be big grand gestures or perfect words. It looks like this. It looks like showing up and showing you care. This story will stay with me for a long time 🙏🏼
Hi. This was a great reminder for me. What helps most in my grief is the people who consistently reach out and check on me. As far as how not to show up, I often feel like when someone initially loses a loved one, I want to give them space to process what just happened and be okay with not getting a response. Then in a few days or a week, I will reach out. My goal is to check in weekly with people who are dealing with a fresh loss. I also have to be careful not to take on everybody's grief at once. It can be exhausting in addition to my own. Thanks for sharing. Can't wait for the next part of your post.
I resonate with this on so many levels, Amber! How meaningful it is when people show up and be there consistently, how tempting it is to want to give people space so you don't seem overbearing but then wanting to check in so they know you're thinking about them, and how hard it is to take on too much of other people's pain when you're hurting too. I love your goal of checking in weekly — that sounds like a good balance to support them and to care for your own needs as you're grieving as well. Thanks so much for sharing 🫶🏽
Exactly! Nobody tells you how lonely and confusing grief can be. Try as you might to get away from it, it lurks around every corner. Then there are sudden deaths of celebrities like Malcolm Jamal Warner that really hit you in a way you didn't expect and yet again you are reminded of how fragile, precious, and short life is.
Very true, even in times of struggles unrelated to grief. The support of someone making the decision of how to help, daring to talk to you about how you feel, is the most helpful. It reminded me of friends bringing food or helping do a load of laundry just after having a new born, or people knowing you're supporting elderly parents and asking how it's going because you always seem to have it all together, when, in fact, it's still hard, even if you do what you can. ❤️ 🙏🏻For sharing about grief
I so appreciate this perspective, Virginie, and you're absolutely right! When someone we care about is going through something big — whether it's grief or any major life event — being there for them is the most meaningful thing we can do. It's about showing up, even if it's hard or we feel unsure. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts 🫶🏽
Ruhie, It is so hard to know what to say to someone else, even though I am stilling grieving the death of my daughter. We are all so uniquely different in our paths through grief.
Yes Nancy, this is so true!! It's hard to know what to say because everyone is different and every experience of grief is unique — there is no one-size-fits-all 'right' thing to say. I'll touch on this more in the next post, but in my opinion and experience, what matters more than exactly what we say is that we make the effort to show up consistently. You can tell when someone is reaching out from a place of genuine care and compassion, and it means the world when you're hurting 💛
Such good advice, Ruhie. Most people don't know how to respond to grief, but all of these are helpful, especially the one about assuming the griever has moved on. Also expecting them to know what they need. There was no way to verbalise any of that during at least the first year for me.
Thanks so much, Tiffany! I always appreciate hearing your perspective and experience ❤️ The two you mentioned are the ones that I think surprised me the most in the early days, weeks and months of grief — the fact that so many of us assume grief is something you 'get over' at some point, or that telling someone who's grieving to reach out if they need anything means surely they will. It's only when I experienced loss firsthand that I realised how naive and misguided these assumptions are... and how desperately the narrative around grief and grief support needs to shift!
Yes, I think people who haven't experienced it probably expect to be similar to a breakup, where at some point you'll "get over" the person. It's interesting.
So true! And it's no one's fault, really — it's what we're all led to believe in a grief-illiterate society. You only discover how inaccurate it is when you're in the thick of it...
A great post…and I agree with every one of the points you’ve made. It’s important to show people what does help us, rather than focus on what lands so badly. People are terrified of death…and terrified of getting it wrong. So there’s a lot of fear, isn’t there!
I wrote about the acute nature of this when others witness us grieving our child’s death. My post is called ‘Closing the Gap’ Lots of cross-overs with your own!
Thank you so much, Esther 🙏🏼 You're so right that there's a lot of fear, and it mostly comes from a well-meaning place. But the more we can normalise grief and conversations around what actually helps, the more confident and comfortable people can feel when it comes to grief support. I'm truly sorry to hear about your son's death and appreciate your work in this space. I can't wait to read your piece, thank you for sharing it here!
When my brother died, my family gathered in Montana for almost a week. People came and sat with us, talked with us, and told stories. What was truly amazing was that two friends showed up and ensured there were meals for all of us. (from Wednesday through the end of the week and the following Monday. They kept a coffee pot going.
They arrived at mid-morning (breakfast had been prepared the night before), stayed through lunch, left mid-afternoon, but not before setting out some food to snack on, and returned before supper, which they prepared and set out for breakfast before leaving to start all over again. Meanwhile, they also took care of the food that was sent/brought by so many. My SIL called them the Kitchen Maidens. I am not Jewish and probably don't know what sitting Shiva really is like, but I wonder if this wasn't the closest I will come to it. We never washed one dish.
Carol, thank you so much for sharing this beautiful, life-affirming experience when you were in the depths of grief. The friends and family who pull through like this are truly something special! We had a very similar experience when Dad died and I will never forget how loved, nurtured, and genuinely cared for we felt in those early days and weeks. I can tell you feel the same way about your village who was there for you in these small but incredibly meaningful and helpful ways — sitting with you, talking, sharing stories, cooking, cleaning, meal prep, dishes, the works. Grief support doesn't have to be big grand gestures or perfect words. It looks like this. It looks like showing up and showing you care. This story will stay with me for a long time 🙏🏼
Hi. This was a great reminder for me. What helps most in my grief is the people who consistently reach out and check on me. As far as how not to show up, I often feel like when someone initially loses a loved one, I want to give them space to process what just happened and be okay with not getting a response. Then in a few days or a week, I will reach out. My goal is to check in weekly with people who are dealing with a fresh loss. I also have to be careful not to take on everybody's grief at once. It can be exhausting in addition to my own. Thanks for sharing. Can't wait for the next part of your post.
I resonate with this on so many levels, Amber! How meaningful it is when people show up and be there consistently, how tempting it is to want to give people space so you don't seem overbearing but then wanting to check in so they know you're thinking about them, and how hard it is to take on too much of other people's pain when you're hurting too. I love your goal of checking in weekly — that sounds like a good balance to support them and to care for your own needs as you're grieving as well. Thanks so much for sharing 🫶🏽
Aww. You're welcome. I am so glad that it was helpful. It definitely is a dance.
A dance we were never shown the steps for, but somehow we're learning as we go!
Exactly! Nobody tells you how lonely and confusing grief can be. Try as you might to get away from it, it lurks around every corner. Then there are sudden deaths of celebrities like Malcolm Jamal Warner that really hit you in a way you didn't expect and yet again you are reminded of how fragile, precious, and short life is.
Amber, you’ve touched on something so powerful here. You are not alone in feeling this way 🫶🏽
Thank you. I really appreciate your work. Your posts make me feel seen and less alone.