I appreciated this nuanced view of time and grief, Ruhie. In my view, time doesn't heal, but grief does change, as you've said. It comes in waves - sometimes they're bigger or smaller than others, and it can be unpredictable when they will be what.
Holidays are hard for the grieving. I'm thinking of you and your family.
Thank you so much, Tiffany. I know you get it and I really appreciate you sharing your insights ❤️ Grief is indeed unpredictable. Even when our experience of it changes and in some ways eases over time, it remains an ever-present part of our lives.
The idea that "time heals all wounds" has always felt like a soft promise—a soothing phrase people offer when they don’t know what else to say, they are not in my situation ,But in my experience, time doesn't heal; it reshapes.
When I lost someone dear, the early days felt like drowning. Every breath was sharp, each moment heavy with their absence. Grief was an unwelcome companion that shadowed me everywhere—at the dinner table, during sleepless nights, even in unexpected moments of laughter. It felt eternal, like no amount of time could ever ease the ache. Ruhie as you mentioned as days turned into months and then years, grief transformed.
It didn't disappear—it softened. The sharp edges dulled, and the weight lifted just enough to carry it differently.
I began to find ways to coexist ,I learned, wasn’t about forgetting or erasing the pain but about integrating it into my life in a way that allowed me to do day to day activities.
Looking back, I see grief as a teacher. It’s shown me the depths of my own strength and the value of the people still around me. Time didn’t heal the wound, but it gave me space to grow around it.
So, does time truly heal? For me, it’s less about healing and more about changing and learning to leave without loved ones and as you mentioned it’s journey rest of my life.
Whether you're just beginning this journey or have walked it for years.
I agreed with you, December months is very important and very difficult painful. But then I tried very hard to think about all the good times and memories.
This is so so beautifully expressed, Parul aunty. I agree wholeheartedly with everything you have shared here! The crushing devastation of the early days/weeks/months, the description of grief “softening” over time, and how we find ways to integrate grief into our day-to-day existence for the rest of our lives. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and thoughts 💛
Thank you as always, Ruhie, for sharing your experience with grief. The holidays have been difficult for me too, since Mommy got diagnosed and ever since our family got our dogs. Every Christmas, every birthday (theirs or mine) I wonder: how many more of these will we get to celebrate together?
I appreciate your newsletter because it's helping me with anticipatory grief. My therapist has been asking me to journal about this experience and talk about it month on month, and the gradual exposure to conversations about grief have helped me cope.
At times, I feel upset that I'm not doing enough otherwise Mommy would be better, right? Other times I feel guilty that I get tired and grumpy because caring for her is on top of chores and work and a few personal things like Substack and gardening and exercise.
It's a rollercoaster, for sure.
Keeping you and your family in my thoughts this holiday season, Ruhie ✨
Thank you for your kind words, Regina, and for sharing your experience 🫶 I’m so sorry about what you’re going through with your mum. Grief is such a rollercoaster of emotions - and anticipatory grief too. I think what you’re feeling is really normal (guilt, carer stress and burnout, fear amongst many others), so please give yourself grace. It’s clear how much you love and care for your Mum ❤️❤️ Thinking of you and your family too, and sending best wishes.
Ruhie, this is beautiful! Such powerful statements: "Life is finite, but love is not." and "It’s still a work-in-progress, but I’m learning to allow space for grief because… I realise now, that’s how we keep love alive when it has nowhere else to go."
Ruhie, your writing here expresses so much…thank you. Very well written. I realized as I read this why this season has felt both very sad, and a bit exciting. Sad as I grieve the loss of three aunts and uncles we lost this year. I will host a family celebration of life at our house just after Christmas. My uncle died in the Seychelle Islands so family here needs to gather. I need to finish organizing this. I also lost two friends/—one a classmate we loved, whose aggressive cancer took his life, and a writer here I had really enjoyed getting to know. We had a lot in common and liked to collaborate. That loss hit hard. They say grief piggybacks. I find it true.
I used to specialize in grief in my counseling practice. That included losses while people lived with disabilities or health challenges. I always said the purpose of grief work isn’t to get over it, but to regain some balance.
ALS is so extremely tough. I’m praying for friends going through this currently. She’s a writer and expresses so poignantly what it’s like to care for her beloved husband as he loses function. I’m so sorry for the ongoing losses you must feel as you raise your children.
Thinking of you in this season. I hope to publish a revision of my workbook on grief associated with health issues next year later.
Oh, the excitement comes from having just booked my tickets to Australia. I felt like visiting my close friends there would be worth the long journey. Life can be brief…I want to do it while health still allows.
I appreciated this nuanced view of time and grief, Ruhie. In my view, time doesn't heal, but grief does change, as you've said. It comes in waves - sometimes they're bigger or smaller than others, and it can be unpredictable when they will be what.
Holidays are hard for the grieving. I'm thinking of you and your family.
Thank you so much, Tiffany. I know you get it and I really appreciate you sharing your insights ❤️ Grief is indeed unpredictable. Even when our experience of it changes and in some ways eases over time, it remains an ever-present part of our lives.
The idea that "time heals all wounds" has always felt like a soft promise—a soothing phrase people offer when they don’t know what else to say, they are not in my situation ,But in my experience, time doesn't heal; it reshapes.
When I lost someone dear, the early days felt like drowning. Every breath was sharp, each moment heavy with their absence. Grief was an unwelcome companion that shadowed me everywhere—at the dinner table, during sleepless nights, even in unexpected moments of laughter. It felt eternal, like no amount of time could ever ease the ache. Ruhie as you mentioned as days turned into months and then years, grief transformed.
It didn't disappear—it softened. The sharp edges dulled, and the weight lifted just enough to carry it differently.
I began to find ways to coexist ,I learned, wasn’t about forgetting or erasing the pain but about integrating it into my life in a way that allowed me to do day to day activities.
Looking back, I see grief as a teacher. It’s shown me the depths of my own strength and the value of the people still around me. Time didn’t heal the wound, but it gave me space to grow around it.
So, does time truly heal? For me, it’s less about healing and more about changing and learning to leave without loved ones and as you mentioned it’s journey rest of my life.
Whether you're just beginning this journey or have walked it for years.
I agreed with you, December months is very important and very difficult painful. But then I tried very hard to think about all the good times and memories.
God blessed you dear Ruhie
This is so so beautifully expressed, Parul aunty. I agree wholeheartedly with everything you have shared here! The crushing devastation of the early days/weeks/months, the description of grief “softening” over time, and how we find ways to integrate grief into our day-to-day existence for the rest of our lives. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and thoughts 💛
Thank you as always, Ruhie, for sharing your experience with grief. The holidays have been difficult for me too, since Mommy got diagnosed and ever since our family got our dogs. Every Christmas, every birthday (theirs or mine) I wonder: how many more of these will we get to celebrate together?
I appreciate your newsletter because it's helping me with anticipatory grief. My therapist has been asking me to journal about this experience and talk about it month on month, and the gradual exposure to conversations about grief have helped me cope.
At times, I feel upset that I'm not doing enough otherwise Mommy would be better, right? Other times I feel guilty that I get tired and grumpy because caring for her is on top of chores and work and a few personal things like Substack and gardening and exercise.
It's a rollercoaster, for sure.
Keeping you and your family in my thoughts this holiday season, Ruhie ✨
Thank you for your kind words, Regina, and for sharing your experience 🫶 I’m so sorry about what you’re going through with your mum. Grief is such a rollercoaster of emotions - and anticipatory grief too. I think what you’re feeling is really normal (guilt, carer stress and burnout, fear amongst many others), so please give yourself grace. It’s clear how much you love and care for your Mum ❤️❤️ Thinking of you and your family too, and sending best wishes.
Ruhie, this is beautiful! Such powerful statements: "Life is finite, but love is not." and "It’s still a work-in-progress, but I’m learning to allow space for grief because… I realise now, that’s how we keep love alive when it has nowhere else to go."
Thank you Wendy! I’m so glad this resonated with you 🫶
Ruhie, your writing here expresses so much…thank you. Very well written. I realized as I read this why this season has felt both very sad, and a bit exciting. Sad as I grieve the loss of three aunts and uncles we lost this year. I will host a family celebration of life at our house just after Christmas. My uncle died in the Seychelle Islands so family here needs to gather. I need to finish organizing this. I also lost two friends/—one a classmate we loved, whose aggressive cancer took his life, and a writer here I had really enjoyed getting to know. We had a lot in common and liked to collaborate. That loss hit hard. They say grief piggybacks. I find it true.
I used to specialize in grief in my counseling practice. That included losses while people lived with disabilities or health challenges. I always said the purpose of grief work isn’t to get over it, but to regain some balance.
ALS is so extremely tough. I’m praying for friends going through this currently. She’s a writer and expresses so poignantly what it’s like to care for her beloved husband as he loses function. I’m so sorry for the ongoing losses you must feel as you raise your children.
Thinking of you in this season. I hope to publish a revision of my workbook on grief associated with health issues next year later.
Oh, the excitement comes from having just booked my tickets to Australia. I felt like visiting my close friends there would be worth the long journey. Life can be brief…I want to do it while health still allows.