#5 How one innocent comment from my kid sent me down these 4 rabbit holes

Parenting “aha” moment – trust, consent & letting go

Aug 30, 2024

close-up photography of hands — Photo by Andrew Seaman on Unsplash

In today’s newsletter, I explore how an unexpected conversation with my six-year-old sent me spiralling down all kinds of rabbit holes, and sparked some major “aha” moments around my own upbringing, building trust with our kids, teaching them about consent, and learning to let go.

Life is full of “aha” moments – a time of sudden insight, discovery or clarity. Grief has been full of them. So has parenting.

I became a Mum for the first time and lost my Dad within the span of six months. I experienced the highest of highs together with the lowest of lows. I witnessed and was the vessel for the miracle of life, while powerlessly watching my father’s agonising decline to death. I held my son in his first moments of life, and my dad in the last moments of his. In my mind, grief and motherhood are inextricably linked.

Maybe that’s why I’m so passionate about both. Because they have each fundamentally and profoundly shaped the person I am today. Because I’ve learnt more about myself, about family, about love, life, and the world around me from losing a loved one and from being a mum than I ever expected. Because both grief and parenting change our lives, challenge us, open our eyes, give us perspective, and grant a renewed lease on life.

✍️I’d love to hear from you! When you’re done reading, click the comment button and share your answer to whichever question resonates with you most:

How do you think parents can foster trust with their kids?
How can we teach our children about consent?
What’s your best advice for learning to let go of your kids as they get older?

Dear Dad,

I need to tell you something Az said to me the other day – an innocent comment that got me thinking on so many levels.

“Mummy, guess what?” He side-eyes me as I tuck him into bed. His usually loud, penetrating voice (yes, I know, something he inherited from me!) is quiet and muffled as he talks into his superhero blanket. My Mum-spidey senses begin tingling. Something’s up. Is it about the tiff he had earlier with his little brother over who picked the bedtime story? Did he have a fight with one of his kindergarten friends? Or maybe he got in trouble with his teacher?

“What, sweetheart?” I ask, trying hard to sound unphased when all I can picture is a string of worst case scenarios. I swipe strands of dead-straight jet-black hair across his forehead. He needs a haircut soon. He just had one a few weeks ago. I make a mental note to add this to my to-do list for tomorrow.

“I got married at school today!”

Well, I didn’t see that coming…

I was tempted to brush this off as just one of those funny little things kids say. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something deeper here. This unexpected interaction with my six-year-old made me question the idea of fostering trust with our kids, teaching them about consent, and learning to let go over time.

boy sitting on the swing — Image from Unsplash

THOUGHT 1: How to build trust with our kids

To say I was shocked is a wild understatement. This is a conversation I wasn’t expecting to have for at least another *calculates furiously in mind* fifteen, twenty, thirty years!

Not only was I shocked that my six-year-old is apparently married now, I was so surprised Az told me about it at all. He didn’t have to – I would’ve been none the wiser.

To be perfectly honest, there’s NO WAY I would have told you guys anything like this when I was his age! And that’s despite having a happy childhood and a close relationship with you and Mum. Growing up in an Indian house meant any conversations about love lives or romantic interests (unless we were talking about movies or TV shows) were strictly off limits – yes, even when it was harmless fun as little kids. Although I was born and brought up in a Western country, and you were far less strict than some of my friends’ parents, you both still held certain traditional Eastern principles.

“Focus on your studies first,” you’d always say.

On the other hand, here’s our kindergartener casually revealing he’s a married man! Kids these days, am I right?

Though, I could tell by the way he brought it up that he was nervous about my reaction. This is probably the first time he’s told me something he wasn’t sure I’d approve of. I mean, I know this is all pretty innocent stuff – what grown up didn’t play mums and dads when they were kids themselves? It’s natural for children to explore relationships through play. But he didn’t know what I was thinking. He was testing the waters.

It got me wondering — how do we cultivate trust in our relationships with our kids? How do we show them that we are a safe space, that we want to know about things that are important to them, and we’re willing to put our personal views on the subject aside in order to hear them out and have a conversation?

Lead with curiosity. Ask thoughtful questions.

This is something I’ve learnt from renowned child psychologist, parenting expert and my own personal parenting mentor/hero/guru Dr Becky Kennedy. (Side note - I friggin love Dr Becky! Her online parenting advice service Good Inside and podcast by the same name have saved my parenting-butt countless times.)

“Oh,” I said, trying to sound super chill and interested at the same time, when really my mind was spiralling. “Wow, thanks for telling me. Can you tell me more about that?”

Throwing it back to him gave me a moment to recover from my complete disorientation. Following this up with a few questions (while trying not to be overbearing or overly permissive) allowed me to find out more information before jumping to conclusions. Instead of shutting him down, it opened up a conversation so I could dig a little deeper.

“Was this at recess or lunch?” – Lunch

“Who did you marry?” – I had my theories but the answer surprised me

“Did anyone else get married?” – Yep! The whole class, apparently.

As we talked, I could see Az visibly relax and start opening up more. He even wrote a list of all the “married couples” in his class. It gave me a good chuckle… all these little kids pretending to be all grown up. And it felt good to know Az trusted me enough to share this with me.

I was reminded of a quote I came across recently:

“I never want my kids to mess up and think "mom's gonna kill me".

I want their first thought to be "I need to call my mom”

I’ve grown up with a generation of kids who were scared to tell their parents things about their personal lives for fear of judgement, shame or punishments. It was the same for your generation – worse, in fact. But the parenting landscape is changing and that’s a good thing. The focus now is on forming genuine lifelong connections with our children based on open communication, love and trust, which I believe in wholeheartedly.

yellow and black pedestrian line — Photo by Marissa&Eric on Unsplash

THOUGHT 2: Reciprocating trust with our kids

Knowing my kids trust me with information is one thing.

But there’s a flipside. What’s equally as, if not more important, is keeping their confidence.

This occurred to me the next day at school pick up, when I had the urge to blurt out to the other parents “Hey did you hear they’re all getting married to each other?!” It would’ve been such a great conversation-starter and would’ve earnt me so many brownie points.

But I stopped myself. What if they confronted their kid about it and said Az’s mum told them? What if it got back to Az that I was going around telling all the other parents? He’d be so hurt. He’d never trust me again.

A child’s trust is sacred. Anyone’s trust, for that matter. And once broken, it’s not easily mended. If we want our kids to trust us with information, we must reciprocate that trust. It’s a two-way street.

(yet, here I am revealing this on a public forum… to any school parents reading, please please don’t ask your kids about it, and if you do, please don’t tell them it came from me!)

THOUGHT 3: Consent!

Connecting with and being there for our kids is important, but as parents it’s also our job to teach them good values. We want them to grow up to be decent people who respect others.

This whole kindergarten wedding bonanza made me wonder if everyone involved was truly a willing participant. It opened up a whole new can of worms about consent!

As a mum, and especially a mum of boys in this day and age, I’m very conscious of ensuring my sons * are aware about consent – even from this young age.

* (and daughter, but she’s just a baby so we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it)

As parents, we want our kids to know in no uncertain terms:

It’s never okay to make someone do something they don’t want to do
“No” means “no!”
Something may start as a “yes” but people are allowed to change their minds and if they do, it’s still a big fat NO

I was relieved to learn that it was in fact the girls in his class who’d initiated the weddings, and the boys quite happily went along with it.

“Was anyone sad or mad about it?” I asked.

He looked confused.

“No! Everyone had fun.”

By no means is this one conversation enough. Teaching our kids about consent needs to be ongoing, and becomes more and more critical as they grow older, if we want to change the culture with this next generation. But it’s a start.

boy in green shirt holding red paper heart cutout on brown table — Photo by Anna Kolosyuk on Unsplash

THOUGHT 4: Letting go of our kids over time

Once all these initial thoughts had settled, I was left very unexpectedly with a hint of nostalgia and sadness. I was hit with the realisation that my kids are growing up so fast. Today, it’s just a funny anecdote. But they won’t stay little forever. My mind did that thing where it pressed fast forward, to a time in the future when they’ll be bigger, older, independent. In the blink of an eye, they really will be moving out, meeting people, settling down, maybe even starting their own families.

It made me think about our reality as parents. For a short while, they are our world and we are theirs. But our job is to raise our kids so they can one day lead their own lives. We teach them to use their wings so that one day they can fly — away from our nest and build their own. They remain the centre of our world, but one day we are no longer theirs.

Is that why we tear up on their first day of school? Is that why we get emotional when they graduate, go travelling for the first time without us, or buy their first home (not sure I need to worry about that one, though, given the cost of living crisis…)? Is that why you cried at my wedding?

I guess this is one of those things we have to come to terms with as parents. If we do our job well, it means we need to love our kids enough to let them go and find joy in watching them soar.

And then, have faith that the loving, trusting relationship we’ve worked hard to build with them – ever since the first time they nervously shared something personal with you when they were just six – means we will always be there for each other, no matter where life takes us.

Miss you every day, Dad. Love you always. Until next time 💌

Ruhie

✍️I’d love to hear from you! Click the comment button below and feel free to share your answer to whichever question resonates with you most:

How do you think parents can foster trust with their kids?
How can we teach our children about consent?
What’s your best advice for learning to let go of your kids as they get older?

Grieve Fully, Live Fully

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