Uzo, I am deeply moved by your story and also incredibly sorry for your losses - so many and in such a short period of time. You must know exactly what I am talking about because you have lived it many times over. We do what we must to cope and hope it gets better, right? And it does.. with time, with faith, with personal growth, with the right support. Bit by bit, our broken heart is pieced together. Never whole in the same way as before, but a new whole - capable of love and hope and laughter and joy. I wish you all the best in your healing journey, and thank you for your openness and generosity in sharing your story here 🙏🏼
As a person who has sometimes Googled "how to help someone through grief," I've rarely found any helpful advice. Yours is the truly the most useful guidance I've ever come across. Think about publishing this thoughtful piece in a larger publication too. More people need to read these words of wisdom, Ruhie. Wow, so grateful.
Thank you Wendy! This is humbling and deeply rewarding to read 💛 I don’t think we talk enough about how to be there for others through grief, so we’re left to resort to generic, impersonal social conventions and Google searches (thank you for your openness by the way and I’m sure you’re not alone in this!). I’m so glad to hear this has been useful :)
Your words touched my heart deeply. Your insight into the experience of loss resonates profoundly with me. You've beautifully articulated truths that are often hard to express unless one has walked through similar challenges. I've often found myself reflecting on how others try to comfort us in times of grief, and your perspective is both comforting and enlightening.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts so eloquently. Your wisdom and positivity shine through, reminding us all of the strength that comes from inner resilience. I look forward to reading more of your insightful reflections—they always bring a higher level of understanding and compassion.
May God continue to bless you abundantly, dear Ruhie.
This is such an amazing post. It is both incredibly heartfelt and also practical. You've helped me see the grieving process in a new light, both in terms of previous times I've grieved, and also in how I've supported others. I love how you frame your posts as a letter to your dad. ❤️
Thanks Chris! It means a lot to know this was useful. It’s a topic we don’t talk about nearly enough in society, and yet it’s such a core part of the human experience. I’m so glad you got value from this!
Ruhie. You have given great practical advise . Definitely makes one think. Everyone goes through different types of loss/ grief . Looking forward to reading more articles .
Thank you Vaishalee aunty! So true - grief comes in many forms at different points in our lives, not just the death of someone we love 🤍 The same advice can be applied really in any situation where we want to support those we care about
Great practical advice from firsthand experience Ruhie - on a topic hardly anyone knows how best to go about it yet everyone universally faces the situation. Sanjay will be very happy to see your letter and will feel very very proud of you.
Ruthie, your eloquence and your finger on the pulse on how to help other grieve surpasses any other advice I have encountered before. I won’t say more on the subject as many others have said it better in the comments. But I do want to connect you with another writer. Her name is @Shanjithan and she is new to Substack too. A great writer, she is grappling with a few issues of her own. She is a doctor too. You will like her.
And I so agree with, "Don't say reach out if you need anything." How would I have ever said, "Please just come over and sit with me"? I didn't even know I needed that. I have since applied that same sentiment and NEVER ask people to let me know what they need--because I know they won't.
You make such a good point Norman! Sometimes when you’re in the depths of grief, you don’t even know what someone can do to help. People like your friend are truly special for taking the initiative themselves. Sometimes all you need is someone’s loving and solid presence. Thank you for sharing your story!
On the last day of my mom's life (Of course, I did not know it was her last--just that death was eminent), I had this extreme fatigue come over me, and I could not physically get myself off the chaise lounge. My friend stopped over and just sat at the foot of the lounger with me. She sat and talked and got me a drink, not letting me get up at all. It was intimate, something a close friend would do. The next morning, my mom passed. I always remember that last night--my friend just being there for me.
Beautifully written Ruhie! Loosing a loved one is never easy. I always believe that a part of them always lives in us for forever. I remember the long days and I nights I silently mourned my sister for years yet showed a smiling face on the exterior. Your write up reminded me how hard it is to cope a loss and how simple questions can make a huge difference.
Good on you to explain raw emotions and the kind of help a bereaved person might need! Really thoughtful.
Thanks so much Sandhya! You’ve hit on something that is so poignant and insightful - that we feel the need to mourn our loved ones silently because it is too uncomfortable to do so openly. I really hope that these kinds of conversations can bring this difficult conversation to the forefront, so people feel more equipped and less alone in their experiences. I appreciate your generosity in sharing some of your own story 🫶
Sorry for the digression. That's also part of the healing process for me. I am always in rehabilitation. 😃😃😃. Anyway people should just learn to observe. Be sensitive to people and to your environment. That way, you would say and do the right thing at the right time. And everyone will be fine. Eventually, death is one thing that all and sundry will experience. So, just be kind to people that are experiencing it earlier than you.
I don’t mind the digression at all! You spoke what you felt in your heart and I really appreciate that. You’re so right - grief is the one thing we all have in common at some point or another. Even people who have not experienced loss themselves can be there for those who have in a meaningful way by observing, putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, and just being kind to others. Thanks Uzo :)
I lost my father first. But I had lost him before he actually died. Was on the road from one city to the other. Then he died. I had started mourning him before he died. Very traumatic. Then I lost my father in law less than a month after burning my father. He was good to me. Another grieving cycle. Then I lost my husband. Lost my brother and lost my mum, then I lost my mother in law.
I have heard you are a strong woman, a zillion times. I have heard we are a phone call away when they knew I would never call. I have gone through all that grief and I am numb. Sometimes, I just sit in the middle of my big bed, wail, get up, roll on the floor, get up, tap into my faith economy and leave the rest to God. I have lost and everything is still gnawing on my neck for solutions. That's for the living. Sometimes it's worse than the grieving.
You stack them, Grief and all into different compartments, and you get up and go. You plunge yourself into work and you don't stop till you are exhausted. Exhausted by the grief, exhausted by your challenges, exhausted by the work. You get home and sleep and hope tomorrow will be a better day. A day you can get up and smile. And hope for the best.
It all applies to anticipatory grief too, when we try to live whilst waiting for an inevitable yet so undesired outcome. I far prefer someone saying "I don't know what to say" than the usual platitudes, an acknowledgement of how awkward we are with grief, and saying "lovely to see you" rather than "how are you" as then I don't have to lie.
One thing a friend and I do is to share "no context photos" every few days. No explanation (unless asked for), just a random thing. More interesting and sustainable than a perpetual "I'm thinking of you".
Yes absolutely! This advice applies to any situation where you want to support someone you know and care about, including anticipatory grief. I love all your suggestions! They feel much more personal and meaningful than the usual platitudes. Thank you for sharing Marion :)
Hi Ruhie, this is so powerful but also practical. This resonated with me so much b/c I'm going through some health challenges (as you know) right now and people have said almost everything to me on this list. My parents tell me constantly to be strong. My dad loves to tell me about the time he had colon cancer and "look at me now. I'm so healthy." (Even though he isn't that healthy.) I've learned that I have to let these comments roll off my back because they mean well. I learned that setting boundaries for where I spend my energy is crucial right now. Thank you for this newsletter! :D
Thanks for the positive feedback Claire and for sharing a bit of your own story! I always love to hear about and learn from others’ experiences too. You’re so right that people mean well even if what they say doesn’t land in the way they hoped it would. Part of the solution is definitely developing a ‘thick skin’ so to speak as the person receiving the not-so-helpful advice — take on board what is useful, and let go of the rest. And part of it is us as a society getting better at talking about our hard things like grief.
Uzo, I am deeply moved by your story and also incredibly sorry for your losses - so many and in such a short period of time. You must know exactly what I am talking about because you have lived it many times over. We do what we must to cope and hope it gets better, right? And it does.. with time, with faith, with personal growth, with the right support. Bit by bit, our broken heart is pieced together. Never whole in the same way as before, but a new whole - capable of love and hope and laughter and joy. I wish you all the best in your healing journey, and thank you for your openness and generosity in sharing your story here 🙏🏼
This is incredible Ruhie!. It’s truly great advice that can be applied to help friends and family. Really proud of you.
Thanks Mum! This means so much ❤️
As a person who has sometimes Googled "how to help someone through grief," I've rarely found any helpful advice. Yours is the truly the most useful guidance I've ever come across. Think about publishing this thoughtful piece in a larger publication too. More people need to read these words of wisdom, Ruhie. Wow, so grateful.
Thank you Wendy! This is humbling and deeply rewarding to read 💛 I don’t think we talk enough about how to be there for others through grief, so we’re left to resort to generic, impersonal social conventions and Google searches (thank you for your openness by the way and I’m sure you’re not alone in this!). I’m so glad to hear this has been useful :)
Dear Ruhie,
Your words touched my heart deeply. Your insight into the experience of loss resonates profoundly with me. You've beautifully articulated truths that are often hard to express unless one has walked through similar challenges. I've often found myself reflecting on how others try to comfort us in times of grief, and your perspective is both comforting and enlightening.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts so eloquently. Your wisdom and positivity shine through, reminding us all of the strength that comes from inner resilience. I look forward to reading more of your insightful reflections—they always bring a higher level of understanding and compassion.
May God continue to bless you abundantly, dear Ruhie.
Thank you for your heartfelt response Parul mami! I’m truly touched that my words aligned with your experience and were meaningful to you 💛
This is such an amazing post. It is both incredibly heartfelt and also practical. You've helped me see the grieving process in a new light, both in terms of previous times I've grieved, and also in how I've supported others. I love how you frame your posts as a letter to your dad. ❤️
Thanks Chris! It means a lot to know this was useful. It’s a topic we don’t talk about nearly enough in society, and yet it’s such a core part of the human experience. I’m so glad you got value from this!
Ruhie. You have given great practical advise . Definitely makes one think. Everyone goes through different types of loss/ grief . Looking forward to reading more articles .
Thank you Vaishalee aunty! So true - grief comes in many forms at different points in our lives, not just the death of someone we love 🤍 The same advice can be applied really in any situation where we want to support those we care about
Great practical advice from firsthand experience Ruhie - on a topic hardly anyone knows how best to go about it yet everyone universally faces the situation. Sanjay will be very happy to see your letter and will feel very very proud of you.
Thank you Jayendra uncle! I’m so glad to hear this has been helpful 🙏🏼
Really love this one Ruhie ❤️
Thanks Julia! It means a lot to hear it resonated with you 💛
Ruthie, your eloquence and your finger on the pulse on how to help other grieve surpasses any other advice I have encountered before. I won’t say more on the subject as many others have said it better in the comments. But I do want to connect you with another writer. Her name is @Shanjithan and she is new to Substack too. A great writer, she is grappling with a few issues of her own. She is a doctor too. You will like her.
Thank you so much Neera! And yes I'd be very happy to connect with her :) Is this the one? https://substack.com/@shanjithasnewsletter
And I so agree with, "Don't say reach out if you need anything." How would I have ever said, "Please just come over and sit with me"? I didn't even know I needed that. I have since applied that same sentiment and NEVER ask people to let me know what they need--because I know they won't.
And I’m so sorry for your loss 🤍
Thank you for your kind words, both here and in your post.
You make such a good point Norman! Sometimes when you’re in the depths of grief, you don’t even know what someone can do to help. People like your friend are truly special for taking the initiative themselves. Sometimes all you need is someone’s loving and solid presence. Thank you for sharing your story!
On the last day of my mom's life (Of course, I did not know it was her last--just that death was eminent), I had this extreme fatigue come over me, and I could not physically get myself off the chaise lounge. My friend stopped over and just sat at the foot of the lounger with me. She sat and talked and got me a drink, not letting me get up at all. It was intimate, something a close friend would do. The next morning, my mom passed. I always remember that last night--my friend just being there for me.
Beautifully written Ruhie! Loosing a loved one is never easy. I always believe that a part of them always lives in us for forever. I remember the long days and I nights I silently mourned my sister for years yet showed a smiling face on the exterior. Your write up reminded me how hard it is to cope a loss and how simple questions can make a huge difference.
Good on you to explain raw emotions and the kind of help a bereaved person might need! Really thoughtful.
Thanks so much Sandhya! You’ve hit on something that is so poignant and insightful - that we feel the need to mourn our loved ones silently because it is too uncomfortable to do so openly. I really hope that these kinds of conversations can bring this difficult conversation to the forefront, so people feel more equipped and less alone in their experiences. I appreciate your generosity in sharing some of your own story 🫶
Hello Ruhie,
Sorry for the digression. That's also part of the healing process for me. I am always in rehabilitation. 😃😃😃. Anyway people should just learn to observe. Be sensitive to people and to your environment. That way, you would say and do the right thing at the right time. And everyone will be fine. Eventually, death is one thing that all and sundry will experience. So, just be kind to people that are experiencing it earlier than you.
I don’t mind the digression at all! You spoke what you felt in your heart and I really appreciate that. You’re so right - grief is the one thing we all have in common at some point or another. Even people who have not experienced loss themselves can be there for those who have in a meaningful way by observing, putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, and just being kind to others. Thanks Uzo :)
I lost my father first. But I had lost him before he actually died. Was on the road from one city to the other. Then he died. I had started mourning him before he died. Very traumatic. Then I lost my father in law less than a month after burning my father. He was good to me. Another grieving cycle. Then I lost my husband. Lost my brother and lost my mum, then I lost my mother in law.
I have heard you are a strong woman, a zillion times. I have heard we are a phone call away when they knew I would never call. I have gone through all that grief and I am numb. Sometimes, I just sit in the middle of my big bed, wail, get up, roll on the floor, get up, tap into my faith economy and leave the rest to God. I have lost and everything is still gnawing on my neck for solutions. That's for the living. Sometimes it's worse than the grieving.
You stack them, Grief and all into different compartments, and you get up and go. You plunge yourself into work and you don't stop till you are exhausted. Exhausted by the grief, exhausted by your challenges, exhausted by the work. You get home and sleep and hope tomorrow will be a better day. A day you can get up and smile. And hope for the best.
It all applies to anticipatory grief too, when we try to live whilst waiting for an inevitable yet so undesired outcome. I far prefer someone saying "I don't know what to say" than the usual platitudes, an acknowledgement of how awkward we are with grief, and saying "lovely to see you" rather than "how are you" as then I don't have to lie.
One thing a friend and I do is to share "no context photos" every few days. No explanation (unless asked for), just a random thing. More interesting and sustainable than a perpetual "I'm thinking of you".
Yes absolutely! This advice applies to any situation where you want to support someone you know and care about, including anticipatory grief. I love all your suggestions! They feel much more personal and meaningful than the usual platitudes. Thank you for sharing Marion :)
Hi Ruhie, this is so powerful but also practical. This resonated with me so much b/c I'm going through some health challenges (as you know) right now and people have said almost everything to me on this list. My parents tell me constantly to be strong. My dad loves to tell me about the time he had colon cancer and "look at me now. I'm so healthy." (Even though he isn't that healthy.) I've learned that I have to let these comments roll off my back because they mean well. I learned that setting boundaries for where I spend my energy is crucial right now. Thank you for this newsletter! :D
Thanks for the positive feedback Claire and for sharing a bit of your own story! I always love to hear about and learn from others’ experiences too. You’re so right that people mean well even if what they say doesn’t land in the way they hoped it would. Part of the solution is definitely developing a ‘thick skin’ so to speak as the person receiving the not-so-helpful advice — take on board what is useful, and let go of the rest. And part of it is us as a society getting better at talking about our hard things like grief.