#18 What I wish I'd known before facing my first eulogy

7 Essential tips for writing a meaningful tribute to a loved one who's passed

Feb 07, 2025

Almost six years ago to the day, I stood in front of family and friends to deliver my first ever eulogy — for my beloved dad who died at the age of 60 after a harrowing three-year battle with a terminal illness. It was the most daunting, gut-wrenching task of my life, and I felt utterly unprepared.

How on earth do you capture the essence of someone’s entire life, their values, and the indelible mark they’ve left in just a few words?

In today’s newsletter, I reflect on the lessons I learnt from this experience in the hopes that it helps anyone who is curious or facing this mammoth task themselves. If this is you, my heart goes out to you. I hope you find some practical and supportive tips here, as well as plenty of love, reassurance and solidarity.

{Note — my younger sister and I spoke together at dad’s funeral. For ease of reading, I refer to it as “my eulogy” or “I”, but it was a joint effort. What I share here, though, reflects my own personal thoughts and missteps, not hers.}

I’d love to hear from you! When you’re done reading, click the COMMENT button below and let me know:

What resonates most with you from this piece?
Have you written a eulogy yourself? What did you struggle with the most?
Have you heard a really heartfelt eulogy? What did they do well that you can share with us?

Dear Dad,

Last Friday, the 31st of January — a date forever seared in my memory — was the six-year anniversary of your funeral. Worst day of my life, bar the day you died.

I watched the recording for the first time ever earlier this week. It felt like I was looking at an entirely different person. Deep purple crescents carved hollows under my eyes, my voice was weak and tremulous, my movements slow and dull. I was a broken shell of a person, yet somehow I had to find the energy, brain power, clarity and composure to string some sentences together — sentences that were impossibly, magically meant to sum up your whole life and the very fabric of your being.

No one prepares you for a moment like that. Writing a eulogy for a loved one is one of the hardest tasks you’ll ever face, especially when the emotions are still raw and the weight of the moment feels so heavy. In hindsight I can say with honesty that, while my words may have been moving, there were many things I could have done differently.

Here’s what I would say now to anyone asking for advice on crafting a meaningful eulogy for a loved one:

1️⃣ Let go of perfection

It’s easy to get caught up in the idea of delivering the ‘perfect’ eulogy. One that is profound, impactful and encapsulates the essence of your person. You want to leave a lasting impression and honour your loved one in the way they deserve.

I really struggled with this. Perfection is one of my biggest weaknesses at the best of times, let alone during the worst time of my life. I remember obsessing over every word, every sentence, every story, every detail in trying to craft the perfect tribute to my dad. It felt impossible to do justice to his memory. No words felt anywhere near enough.

And that’s the point. There’s no such thing as a perfect eulogy. It’s not about perfection; it’s about the sincerity behind your words.

2️⃣ Speak from the heart

Which leads nicely into the most important tip I can offer. A eulogy doesn’t have to be polished or overly formal, and it doesn’t need to follow any specific rules. What matters most is that it reflects your true feelings and the love you have for the person who has passed.

I was so preoccupied with getting the words right and how what I said would be perceived by the audience - the people who came to pay their respects - that I feel like it lost some of the emotional authenticity; so much so that I in fact started the eulogy with a list of thank you’s! It was so jarring when I watched the recording a few days ago to realise I didn’t talk about you until the second half. Yes, expressing my gratitude to our nearest and dearest was important to me, but perhaps it would have made more sense in the middle rather than right at the start.

When you speak from the heart, your words will resonate. People will feel the genuine connection you had with your loved one. And more importantly, YOU will feel connected to them in this final farewell by focusing on what means the most to you.

silhouette of person's hands forming heart — Photo by Mayur Gala on Unsplash

3️⃣ Avoid lists — share stories instead

When writing a eulogy, it’s easy to fall into the trap of listing a person's achievements or qualities. It can also be tempting to condense the many stories that span their lifetime into a list that makes no sense to anyone else but the people involved. I’m certainly guilty of both. But this can come across as impersonal, creates distance, and often doesn’t capture the full essence of the person who passed.

Instead, focus on telling stories. This not only paints a more vivid picture of their life, but it allows people to connect with them on a deeper emotional level. By sharing personal anecdotes, you remind yourself and offer the audience a glimpse into what made that person truly special and how they touched the lives of those around them.

4️⃣ Don’t feel the need to censor your words

This is related to the point I made earlier about speaking from the heart. It’s understandable to want to keep your eulogy upbeat, especially in a room full of mourners. This was definitely the case for me. I wanted to reflect the pain and devastation of grief, while balancing it with some comfort and hope. I wanted to convey the heartbreak of losing my dad at such a young age and in such a cruel way, while remaining true to his upbeat and positive nature. In striving for an impossible balance, in the end I don’t think my eulogy reflected the full truth and depth of my loss.

On the other hand, I attended another funeral a few years later where a woman spoke with remarkable clarity, honesty and poignance about her utter shock and devastation at losing her dad. I remember she said something to the effect of “How will I live in this world without you? How will I carry on each day without being haunted by the memory of losing you?” This was EXACTLY how I’d felt when you died - these were the words in my heart at your funeral - but I had been too afraid or too self-conscious to share this out loud in front of other people.

I learnt that you don’t need to censor your emotions or hide the sadness you’re feeling in order to make the speech more palatable for others. A eulogy is a deeply personal expression of love and loss, and it should reflect your true feelings, even if they’re raw or sorrowful. People will in fact appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. It allows them to feel with you, rather than simply listening from a distance.

5️⃣ It’s okay to cry

I distinctly remember fighting the urge to cry when delivering my eulogy. You can hear it in my voice. It’s so weak and shaky from the strain of holding in all my emotions. It’s not like me — I’m normally very open about my feelings. Partly, I suspect it was because I just wanted to get it over and done with. I was worried that if I let myself cry, I’d never get through it. But deep down, I think it is also a reflection of our tendency in society to see tears as a sign of weakness. While I disagree with this ethos wholeheartedly, perhaps subconsciously I thought crying would make it seem like I wasn’t coping, when (like you) I pride myself on being the ‘strong one’.

But crying is a normal response to grief! I wish I had allowed myself to be more vulnerable in that moment. If you stumble over a word or take a moment to collect yourself, that’s okay. Those moments are real. They reflect the love and grief you’re experiencing. It’s okay to let your humanity show.

water drops on glass — Photo by Noah Silliman on Unsplash

6️⃣ Reflect the person, not just the loss

A eulogy is not just about mourning the loss of a loved one; it’s about celebrating their life. While it’s of course important to acknowledge the sorrow and the pain, a well-rounded eulogy should reflect the full scope the person including all the love and joy they brought into the world.

Even though it’s a somber occasion, it’s okay to share their funny stories, the light-hearted moments, the jokes they made, the little quirks and idiosyncrasies that made them uniquely ‘them’.

These stories not only offer balance, but they also give people a chance to laugh through their tears. It is a helpful reminder - to others and to yourself as you mourn their loss - that they will live on in joyful memories too.

7️⃣ Address the ending to your person

Instead of wrapping up with a generic statement, try closing out with something personal like a message to your loved one. It makes the farewell feel more intimate, and may bring you some semblance of closure and connectedness with the person you lost.

Writing a eulogy is such a deeply personal experience, one that requires sensitivity, reflection, and care during what is probably the darkest time of someone’s life. Reflecting on what I did okay and what I could have done differently has taught me that authenticity, vulnerability and storytelling are key to creating a meaningful and personal tribute.

A eulogy is not a performance or even like a regular speech — it’s a moment of deep connection and reflection. It is a time to honour the life and legacy of someone who meant so much to you. It’s okay to be human. It’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to speak your truth. It’s okay to let your love shine through.

I don’t know if I’ll ever watch your funeral again. It was pretty confronting. But I’m glad I did it once. I remember very little from those one or two hours. Not surprisingly, I’ve probably blocked it out. So at the time I didn’t appreciate - but I do now - it was a beautiful service… a heartfelt send off for a wonderful soul who left this world far, far too soon.

Miss you every day, Dad. Love you always. Until next time 💌

Ruhie

Thanks so much for reading today’s letter 🙏🏼

I’d love to hear from you! Click the COMMENT button below and let me know:

What resonates most with you from this piece?
Have you written a eulogy yourself? What did you struggle with the most?
Have you heard a really meaningful eulogy? What did they do well that you can share with us?

Grieve Fully, Live Fully

Discussion about this post